Living the Real

How seeing yourself as a father or mother is necessary for happiness

• Matt Boettger • Episode 18

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This episode is all about how the paradigm of motherhood and fatherhood can obliterate "imposter syndrome" and bring about the greatest sense of fulfillment.

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Matt Boettger:

What if I told you that I believe that every single human being is hardwired to be a mother or father. Now, before you click stop, because you're saying this doesn't pertain to me, I'm single, I'm divorced. I don't have children. I don't want to have children. I want to pause for a moment, say, no, this really does apply to you. Not like in the future sense, but really right here right now that I really believe firmly that everyone is called and hardwired to live out of a concept of being a mother and father. And this aha moment for me a few weeks back, I wanted to share with you in this episode, it has been a long time since I've published an episode and I wanted to publish more. I've been taking a slight pause to reconsider how I can provide more value in this living the real podcast, because I do, I love it. And I'm trying to find the right format that gives me life and gives you life and provides you exceptional value. In one of my other podcasts, it's more of a conversational style and I love that. And I'd love to find a way to integrate that into living the real. In the meantime, I still want to provide episodes on a regular basis because I have so much, I want to share with you about what I've learned, what I've practiced, what I've read, what I've seen about how we can live the most real life possible. In this episode, I want to talk to you about this idea. Of being a mom being a dad. And this is not just physical mother or father, I'm talking about. Yes. Physical, but also spiritual and even metaphorical, which is what we're going to focus on today that we're hardwired to live out of this concept in this is why we sometimes find our lives incredibly frustrating. That's because we're not living through that lens of being a mother or father, no matter what age. Whether you're 50, 40, 20, 15, we're all working towards being the best father or mother. We can be physically, spiritually, or oftentimes metaphorically. So let's get started. I'm going to talk to you about what I've learned in the past few weeks about how this concept has changed. The way I have looked, even at living the real. Not just as a concept, but as a business. And how looking through the lens of being a father, a mother kind of transformed the way you either survive or thrive in your career, in your profession. In your job and all your relationships. Okay. So let's get started. Are you living the most real life possible? I ask myself this question all the time. Most of the time, the answer is, I just don't know. But sometimes the answer is definitely not. This is why I have this podcast. Hi, I'm Matt Bacher. And welcome to the show. Two small things. If you get a chance, please leave a review on Apple podcasts and also check out my website, live in the real.com where I offer lots of resources in how to live the most real life possible. Now on with the show. Okay. So let's get started about what I've learned in the past few weeks about this idea of being a father or mother, how to applies to you. Every one of you who was listening, whether you're 15, 50, six, 70 single, married, divorce children, no children. We are the wire to live out of this concept. Now, for those of you who have any kind of familiarity with living the real. So what I propose is this idea that we live. In the context of three big realities. And that is life is gift. Life is creation and life is discovery. He's a really have strict concepts. And right now they may feel like it doesn't provide any value to you, but I. Beg you to listen for a few moments, because I think this will transform your life. These are the fundamental, I believe like tenants of what it means to have a really fulfilling life, that life as gift this idea that we are meant to be a gift to another, right. Is it not to get anything back, but we're hardwired to be a gift to another. We're also hardwired to live in this idea of wanting to create. And we know this because when we were in a dead end job, oftentimes that means we're doing things that doesn't allow us to create anything. We're, reduplicating things, we're duplicating processes, but we're not given an Avenue to bring our creative genius to the table. And so we begin to atrophy, then we get frustrated and we get angry and then we quit. And then the third one is life as discovery. This idea that we don't live a life trying to grasp at things to hold tight and have this kind of sense of self-preservation. But rather life is this idea of discovery, kind of a sense of, instead of grasping our hands are opened out and we're seeing life around us as being our advocate and not our adversary, even in those darker moments where a hard and difficult. And I know I have been in them. I haven't been in some recently and to really mind those moments and asking myself, where is the gift in this for myself? Where is the opportunity for me to grow, to be strengthened Versus pointing the finger outward. I point the finger back to me because that is a one person who has control. I have control over myself and nobody else. These three areas really are the most important things by which if we do them well, we thrive at life. And if we don't do them well, we merely survive or worse. We collapse. So, what does this have to do with motherhood and fatherhood? Everything, because these are these kind of abstract concepts that bring down to a, like a point, a practical point in living out the context of being a father and a mother. Now I happened to be a physical father, as well as I would say, a spiritual and metaphorical one, all three. But I learned this concept or I've seen this concept or discovering this concept principally by being a physical father, because it is the most visceral thing in my life. Right now, all three of these things, gift creation and discovery come to a point in me being a physical father. And it's my measure by which I'm an effective father. I am a good father or I'm a neglecting father where I could have a lot of room for improvement. And I think these three things being brought into the concept of being a father and mother is enormously applicable to everyone listening. And I think it will change the way you see yourself in relationship, not only to other people around you, your profession, your career, and your desires for your future career as well. Because when I look at my boys, the desires to be a gift to them, to surrender everything to them, it went nothing in return, sheer gratuity. And when I'm doing that, I'm thriving as a father or my wife has a mother life has creation that I not only want to give, but I also want to facilitate something in their life. We're at one point in time, they did not have something. And after they engage me, they have more life in them. There are some that have been created in them, fostered in them that helps them to grow This idea to want to create something. Right. Well, first and foremost, I co-created in some real practical sense. The boys I have That is unique to physical fatherhood, physical motherhood. But then there is the spiritual level of trying to create something in them. Confidence, the ability to love greater, to be able to have competence, to grow in knowledge, to facilitate growth and creation in them that is outside of myself. And then third discovery. Then not only is this, this is not a one-way street. This is not me going to them, but them coming to me and transforming my life. You guys, gals, I was never ready, ready to be a father, never in a million years. Thankfully they come out as infants. We're all they know how to do is pee and poo and sleep. And you can deal with that when they get older, things become more complicated. And thankfully you have years to begin to practice being a father and mother were never ready to be a father. Being a father makes you ready. In the same way it is for life, the things in our life, we don't, aren't ready for it. We go and we do it in it makes us ready by doing it. If you're sitting around right now in waiting till you're ready to do something, you're not engaging your fatherhood and your motherhood because you desire. I know at the core of your heart to do three things, to be a gift to someone, something else. To be able to create something profound outside of yourself to bring value to other people into the world. And I know you want to grow and you want to discover that life is your advocate that allows you to grow into something profound. And these three things are boiled down in the concept of fatherhood and motherhood. So how does this apply to those who are not fathers, who are not mothers physically speaking? Because I realize when I look at my I'm gonna give my example, that's all I have right now, but I think this would be easily be able to be applied to your life as well. Let's look at living the real. I've had this concept for a number of years now, and I'm slowly beginning to roll it out because I believe it has profound value that has transformed my life. And I know it can transform your life right now in this minute. In this week now I've been struggling because I realized, gosh, why am I not putting like the gas down in this? Oh. And there's situations in life. I have other clients I have to deal with. I have a full-time job. I'm a physical father and there's family obligations. So I don't maybe have as much time right now in my season of life that I would like, but there are other reasons as well that I'm, I'm not putting the gas down. One of them is this timidness, this insecurity. This idea of imposter syndrome, this idea that, you know, the concept of living the real. When I talk about my 3m framework, if you haven't go back to episode one, two, and three, I helped to talk about this idea of building margin and space in your life. Having a framework for momentum that you actually move the needle forward in things that are. Important in your life. And then having a system of maintenance that keeps things maintained so that you don't go in this vicious cycle of I'm on a binge diet. I lost 20 pounds. This is awesome. And then you gain it all back and now you have another big project that could have been just maintained. We know it's so much easier to maintain something than it is to actually build momentum. Right. That's why on January 1st, we have all these news resolutions and they're all momentum needle forward. I'm going to start exercising. I'm going to lose weight. I'm gonna do all of these things. And then it lasts three weeks was just too much. And so I just go back to my default mode and next new year's. I redo the same resolutions and get nowhere. So all is being applied to me. I realized. At the heart of my insecurity was the imposter syndrome, which has idea that living the real, as something other than myself is better than me. So why am I giving it to you? I'm I shouldn't be the dude. And then I realized, no, this is what it means to be a father there's physical fatherhood. There is spiritual and there's metaphorical, right? When we say, man, this is my baby This project is my baby. We're engaging art father and mother instincts by that metaphor. It's real. We can't get away from it. And then these three things, gift creation and discovery changed how I view my whole pursue a living, the real, because I want to be, I want living the real to be other than myself and the same way that I want my three boys to be. Other than me, I want them to have my strengths. I do, but I don't want them to have my vices. I want them to grow and be beyond that and grow beyond that and be better than me. That's what I want. I don't want a carbon copy in the same way. When I look to living the real or whatever, you're looking to your job or your potential career, or maybe you want to branch out and do your own thing, but you're afraid because gosh, I don't actually practice it fully. That's not fully me, but I know it's true. Now you're engaging your motherhood or fatherhood. And I want you to actually double down on that because you believe in it, you know, provides value. And this released in me a huge tension when I realized, Oh my gosh, I can really advocate this. I know that I do. I follow it all the time. No, because I get stuck sometimes. But when I do engage the concepts around living the real, I truly live a much more fulfilled life, a much more intentional life. I am more engaged with myself, my spouse, my children, my job, my career, my side hustles, everything begins to work better. And then when I begin to chip away and see, I just don't have time for that. So I re I, I neglected that area of my living, the real methodology. And then I do begin to atrophy and it's okay because I want this thing and I'm pursuing to be bigger than myself because I believe in it. And I also, not only that I want to shape it, but just like my sons, I want it to shape me and it does. And so that's why I'm playing everything down on this living the real. Maybe for just selfishness because I know it works. And when I gauge the methodology, I feel way more engaged with myself and the people around me and the desires and the vision that I have for me and my family. And I hope it does the same thing for you. So here's how I want to land this episode. I want to ask, I want you to ask a couple of big questions about your life right now. But where you're at, whether you're employed unemployed, thinking about a change to a different career, I want you to think through the lens of motherhood and fatherhood. So you engage that part of you that is hardwired and will bring you fulfillment to the questions I want to ask you is what are you nurturing right now? What are you attending to for its own sake? What are you being a gift to? To grow it, to provide value to the community around you. What are the opportunities around you to actually facilitate a sense of creation? Whether it's creating opportunities for other people, resources, for other people, confidence, for other people to move forward, competence, skills, healing in their life, or maybe equal opportunity giving them a to eat, to, to be able to be a part of a playing field like everyone else.

What

Matt Boettger:

are you trying to foster to create in something or someone else? Or are you not, and how could you begin to engage that part of your fatherhood or your mother that's ingrained? And finally, how is your work transforming you? It's so easy to point the finger. When you go to your day-to-day job, you'd be like, man, if these people weren't just this way, they just saw it my way. They just did things my way, this understood who I was. It would be so much better. I want to challenge you because I need to challenge myself not to point the finger outward, but the point of inner back to myself, not in the sense of like trying to build shame upon myself or to be a doormat, but to realize in the end, the only person that can really control is myself. And I can either use the world as my advocate, or I can use the world as my adversary. And it just doesn't happen that way by drifting and we have to do something to engage it. So how does our career, our spouse, our relationships, our profession, our job with our school. How is it presenting us with an opportunity to transform ourselves and grow, particularly in the hard points in our life discovery discovering the opportunity for ourselves and there's hard moments. We begin to grow by it, our job, our team, our career, our vocation, our school, our family. Oh, you're constantly asking, Oh my gosh. Why, what is the opportunity here for me? How can I grow in the midst of this? How can I change and make this situation better by responding better, but responding with greater charity, but understanding them more instead of judging them, these three things. I want you to ask yourself in your condition, in your position, in life right now, where you're at, where do you rate yourself in the ability to discover. Where you can grow in those hard moments. Do give yourselves a one at a 10 that I just can't. I just feel so vulnerable. It's okay. Give yourself a number, but don't feel shame because there's only way, but up 1% better every day, I'm encouraging you. Where are your opportunities to create? Do you have none? Well, then try to offer the opportunity to have an area, but what you can create something, some value you may doing a job that is a dead end job in your opinion, but you can facilitate creation and someone else's life next to you in the cubicle next to you. Offer them an ear to provide them inspiration, encouragement to do something great. But don't just sit there and engage your instinct, create something in someone else, greater confidence, competence, resources, healing, equal opportunities. And how are you being a gift to someone else or something else going and giving to your team, to your career, to your job, to your employment, to your vocation, to your family, to your education, and guess what? And not asking anything in return. So that when you give, and if it falls flat, you know what I gave for giving sake, now you're living the fatherhood, the motherhood of life. Now you're living fulfillment because this is what it means to be humans when means to really live in the real. And I see all this to you. And realize, man, I have a lot of growing to do so much growing to do and it's painful, but I know this is true. And I want to encourage you to practice these three questions every day and moving the needle forward in these areas to engage your ability to be a better father or mother, because this is what we're hardwired to do. For some physical, spiritual, and metaphorical for others, just spiritual and metaphorical and maybe others just metaphorical. We're all meant to engage it. And this is where the area by which we thrive in, live out and express the biggest clean of our humanity. And that is to be a gift to someone else or something else that's bigger than ourselves to create something in someone else or something else that makes them better. That every time you engage someone in some small way, they leave your midst in film, more of themselves and less of themselves. How, how do we practice this? I don't have all the answers. I know that's true. And when I do practice that, man, do I feel better? Do I feel more? Integrate it into my own person. I feel like I'm living my humanity. I'm feeling I'm living the real, I'm living the real and finally engaging the opportunities of life, especially the hardships and asking that difficult question. Where is the opportunity in this? Discover the gift. Stop determining, stop pointing the finger and realize that in the end, the buck stops with you. You can have the greatest change possible. Listen, allow the world to be your advocate and not your adversary. I need this message as much as you do. I have not nailed this, but I know it to be true. I'm not afraid to say it because it is something other than myself and it is real. So I hope this episode has been inspiring, helpful. And that you look at your next career. You look at your current career and see opportunities to engage this. And I promise you, you do this a little bit, ask these questions and begin to, to foster opportunities to engage these three areas, gift creation, discovery, your life is going to change pretty dramatically. You're going to feel a lot more real with yourself. You're going to find yourself. In a greater relationships and greater connections to yourself and to others and to creation and to God for those who believe, I hope you guys have a wonderful week. My goal and my desire is to bring this back every week, because I have so many of 1820 episodes already lined up wanting to here with you. But I also want to make this conversational because in the end, those are my favorite podcasts. I love these, but I wanted to provide this for you, have a wonderful week and we'll see you. Really soon take care. And bye-bye you, you for listening to this episode of living the real, if you want to check out more information, go to living the real.com and sign up for my newsletter. If you want to support this podcast, you do that at patrion.com/ltr, as well as one-time payments at Venmo and PayPal in the show notes. See you all next episode. Take care. Bye-bye.