Living the Real

What Susan Boyle has to do with Living the Real

• Matt Boettger • Episode 19

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This episode is one that you don't want to miss because it really gets to the heart of "living the real" and has the power to change the way you approach your week!

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Matt Boettger:

On April 1st in 1961, a baby was born into the world into a rather large family, actually have four older brothers and five older sisters. She was the last be born as her mom was 45 years old as she grew up. She, we learned that she had to quote a learning disability and they didn't know how it happened, but they just assumed that maybe it happened through a lack of oxygen during birth. Well, that kind of paved away towards bullying. And she was bullied as a child and growing up, which I would imagine led to a lot of her introversion as she grew up, she stayed close to home, eventually caring for her mother and living with her mom and tell her mother passed away in 2007. No one knew of this woman, not me, not the world until April 11th, 2009. When this woman came on stage two, Britain's got talent and saying for the first time in front of the biggest audience ever in her life, I dreamed a dream by Les Miserables. I remember watching this for the first time in 2009 and being drawn to tears because I saw in this small audition of you have two radically different worlds. And I craved one of these worlds, but I felt like I was living in the other world. And this began to percolate and turned into what I call living the real. Now I want to talk about living the real and a whole deeper and concrete way in this episode to hopefully make you want to live the same world that I want to live in and how it was real to me, partially on this episode of Britain's got talent on April 11th, 2009, it was amazing because as she walked on the stage, everyone saw and judged her by her appearance. She made claims of wanting to be as famous as some of the most famous people in the world. And she was laughed at. But then she opened her mouth and the world changed. They saw her for who she was. They gave her a St ovation. And from there she's become one of the most world renowned musical artists. Everyone knows her by name Suzanne Boyle. She's an incredible singer. She's had a hard life. She's lived two different worlds. And I want to talk about today. Exactly that, but living the real really means getting down and dirty with what it opposes. And how the phrase expresses our deepest desire to see and be seen like Susanne Boyle. So welcome to this episode of living the real might as well and hoping this week is your most real week. Mm. Are you living the most real life possible? I asked myself this question all the time. Most of the time, the answer is, I just don't know. But sometimes the answer is definitely not. This is why I have this podcast. I'm Matt Buckner. And welcome to the show. Two small things. If you get a chance, please leave a review like on Apple podcasts and also check out my website, live in the real.com where I offer lots of resources in how to live the most real life possible. Now on with the show. Okay. So when I typically mentioned the phrase living the Rio, a lot of times I get yes, a strong reaction, but oftentimes it is simply sentimental because it brings a lot of imagery to most people here hear the phrase and it resonates deeply. But in my mind, it was always meant to be in truly provocative, not so much sentimental, but challenging. And so I realized that, you know, today's episode, I wanted to get into the challenge of the phrase, living the real, give it some teeth. Give it opportunity to change you in a deeper way. So I'll talk about what it opposes and how I set the stage was Suzanne boil is a perfect encapsulation of how I think living the real is and what it exactly opposes. So taking off that, I want to talk about these two worlds, which I think are encapsulated in the Britain's got talent episode, Susanne Boyle about world a. And world B world a, the challenging world by which Suzanne Boyle grew up in and how she tried with every ounce of her being to make herself known to the world, even into, to her friends and her family. And the result, oftentimes from what I gather is bullying, but then she walks on the stage, sing something tremendously, and the world changes in her purse and their perception of her world, a world a before Britain's got talent. What did it consist of? This world AIDS defined by logic in demonstration, stuck in one's head. The priority is rationality. It's this movement from the inward to the outward via the mind. Right. This idea that does he, she, it fit the formula I have come up with in my own mind. Does he, she must always be in a position of proving themselves to us, right. That we had this preconceived notion about the world, about the individual, about the people. And we're trying to validate that and have them disprove it. So now we become relationship averse. We're very idealized in our head about the world and about a surroundings. It becomes a narcissistic because we're so self-absorbed because it is our way or the highway. Of course, this leads to egoism and utility use here is my mold. I want you to fit into it is the common response. And often times to be honest, the reason why I'm talking about this today is good. This is something I have suffered with in the past. And I still wrestle with today. World a it's highly reactionary. It's highly deterministic. Oh my gosh. It is incredibly narrow. And it's very fixed in his understanding of the world. And we see that as a microcosm with Susanne Boyle. If you haven't watched it go Google, Susanne Boyle, B O Y L E on on Britain's got talent and watch it for yourself and see this world unfold in your very eyes and a palpable visual way of their world, of what it means to be successful, being imposed upon her. I can only imagine how she probably felt immediately when she walked on that stage. And then there's a world B world B when she opens up her mouth and the world changes and the way they see her, they see her for who she truly is to see beyond and through her body, into her soul. This one, this world be it's defined by not determinism. Discovery. The priority goes instead of rationality to priority is morality. Now, before you put a big red flag, because some people just don't like that word, it's a dirty word morality. I'm not talking about necessarily, but all these arts and sheds, I'm talking about the deeper sense of morality. This discovery of trust, obedience, love reciprocity, attending to someone listening, genuinely listening to someone. These are all moral pursuits. They're not rational ones. What, when it comes to world B what is he? She, it revealing to me about myself. That's the question? How could I be changed by this person? Not having to change them or having the fit, my mold and who, what is the gift in front of me? Constantly trying to discover this person before and in this area, this world was so phenomenal, right? after Suzanne boil opens her lips. It's, relationship-focused, it's a realist perspective. It is value focused and it is other focused. I'm always being molded as something. Great. And this is yet another opportunity. That's the world be I'm being molded and changed. The world is my advocate, and it's constantly telling me who and where I should be in life, either on a big scale or just on an individual scale, the person in front of me, how that person can change me to be a better person and world be it is highly receptive. It truly wants to receive the world as gift not to determine it, grasp it, control it. As the beating part of this is Anne Boyle video. It is highly discovery. This idea of wanting to discover what is lay hidden behind the surface. It is a wide lens that a narrow lens and is all about growth, not to preserve ourselves, but instead to try to promote, to grow, to expand ourselves. That's the purpose of world B world a. Has an enormous gap between the world and ourselves, the gap, the gap between me and the world becomes larger and larger over time. As we build up our own ideas about the world, they're not actually being received, but being imposed by the world and what happens the world becomes our adversary because now it is so large, so distant from us. So different from us. Now we're suspicious. Now we're in a bad spot to my relationship with the world, we become disconnected from reality. The more and more we enter into world a, we increase in fear and anxiety and anger and depression. It would become tribalistic. It is me against the world. That's the shared community. It's my friends around me who all have an agreement that we hate a different kind of group of people. Very tribal it's understanding then there's world B, world B is where the world between you and the world, right? The you and the world begins to shrink. The world becomes accessible and more accessible. It becomes not only accessible, but your advocate now, your adversary. How do we respond in this context, response, greater courage and hope and inspiration. And instead of tribalism, it is me or us against another group of people against the world. It is community we're all in this together for a greater purpose in life that is wonderful and noble and virtuous. For those of you who have read David Brooks, you haven't, I'll put him in the show notes. One of my, one of my favorite books by him is the second mountain. He talks about this idea about trying to get younger kids, not to think about what they want to do in the world, but rather asking what the world is asking of them to flip it around. Don't look at the world as some big grand things and what should I do? What should I do? What should I accomplish? But rather flip it in such a way to say no, look in discover what the world is asking of you, which I think fits perfectly in the context. Of world be looking at the world and had informed us about reality, about ourselves, about our friends, about the world itself and about creation. I love this. Cause he goes down, there's a talk he gave to the university of Colorado Boulder. I'll put the video in the show notes where I think he talks about the best way to talk about a niche. Like if you're trying to do something and you're trying to find some kind of smallest area by what you want to insert yourself into to provide value to the world. I think he has the best pursuit in this. When he says when your deepest happiness meets the world's needs. That I think is the ultimate place by which we can provide happiness and value to the world when our deepest happiness meets the world's need, which requires us to see and view and ask the world, what does it need? And how does my deepest happiness and passion can be aligned to it. It starts with discovery, not determination. So this world B is in complete utter a stark contrast by which the world we live in currently today. I'm not going to get into history of Francis bacon and the Baconian project and how we're an influence of this, but we are, and you don't need to know that to see that. And the ramifications that big Baconian movement has been the idea that life is will to power. And we insert ourselves onto the world, not have the world, teach us about who we are and we're called to be. And we need to change this. If we truly want to live the real, we got to invert all of this because it's breaking relationships. It's breaking ourselves. It's breaking society, looked around at the polemics around you because we have a wrong paradigm to approach life by. We need to go the other way around and go the outside in. We discover the game of life down to its little intricacies. We don't determine the game of life down into its little intricacies. That is a huge difference. We bring our creativity to play, to strive, to perfect. The good ins of which we discover, right. Discovery is about seeing how things behave and lib people, things, and trying to perfect them, not change them and use them. It's like eyesight. Eyesight is a clear example by which the perfection of eyesight is 2020 for us. Right. And when we don't have that, we don't try to change our eyes into ears or defeat. That sounds ridiculous. We try to perfect its end because we know the end and we can use our creativity to perfect it. I have terrible eyesight. I'm so thankful I can wear glasses and contacts to see my children and the things around me with clarity. That's the goal of light to discover and then perfect. The ends that we discover. So what is at the heart of living the real? You've probably already heard it. It is discovery this idea of a rich discovery, which did which in versus determination. We need to build a life of discovery and have it be at the forefront of our mind at every moment. But of course, what is discovery presuppose? If you do try to live a discovery, like where's the gift in this? Where's the opportunity this then, you know, you presupposed, you don't believe that life is sheer chaos and it's a randomness to the life has meaning it has purpose. This is a real, we believe that we feel it. We experience it. We believe that life itself is a rational. I mean, you can not, in that sense, I mentioned above, but in the general sense that the world makes sense. We can generally make sense of that, where we can have an ability to discover something. And I dare say it presupposes religiousness religiosity. Now what I mean by that, before we get scared off, I mean, this in the deepest sense, this universal core of reality by which humanity must learn to surrender for fulfillment, that exists. That is real. That is the most real thing possible and it exists and we need. To have that as a large presupposition, it's part of our discovery of meaning and purpose. And that the world makes sense. So why am I, it's so hard to bring this message to so many people as possible, honestly, self-interest because I struggle with this. What is my tendency from time to time, or sometimes more than time to time judgmentalism, critical nature. People can be an inconvenience to me. These are all part of world a, I think, feel believe by which a life should be run. And when somebody throws in something that goes against it, I Amelie judge it and push it away and determine my way or the highway. And how do I feel after this? Like crap? I don't know if I'm fulfilled. I don't feel happy. I don't feel energetic. I don't feel connected to myself, to my family, to my spouse, to my friends, to my work. I don't feel grateful and I don't even remotely feel generous. I just feel more inward. Part of it is just self-interest because I know what works because when I try and strive, actively strive for forward B it's different. I listened better. I have empathy. Believe it or not. I have a little bit of tenderness. Wholeheartedness like Brenda, Bernay Brown says, and I come alive and I want you to be able to come alive too, because I know many of us wrestle with this same issue at the core of this again is all discovery. And so we asked the genuine questions of discovery did begin to break out of this deterministic mold by which it is my way or the highway. And begin to receive the outside world into our world and allow it to change us, to fight the cognitive bias, the confirmation biases that are in our mind and our heart. So I begin on the spouse level of the person in front of me and they say, Oh, to who is this person better question about this? A better question to ask is what makes this person in front of me irresistible? Right. That breaks that cycle of determinism, of judgmentalism, of being critical, of being suspicious. You're starting with an open-ended genuine question of value. What makes this person irresistible? Second one. What does this make possible for me? The situation that you're in, changing from determinism to discovery, allowing the world to inform you about who you are to help you grow. What is God asking of me? Where is the gift in this situation? What is the opportunity here? I challenge you to begin to intentionally, not just in your mind, but intentionally work every day to move and transition your life from one to determinism, which we all struggle with. Good as part of our culture to discovery. So how do we do this? The only way I propose is by habitual change, not some conference, not just a workshop, but a constant method of realigning our minds to this new way. Which is not really a new way. It's a very, very old way, a new way, which is an old way of living that truly brings transformation, fulfillment, success, intentionality connection. So there are four things to practice daily. I'm proposing to you right now. Begin to change your world and live a more genuine life of discovery and feel connected to yourself, into your family, into your spouse, into your work, into your world, into creation itself. The first one is I encourage you to practice what I call permanence every day of your life, injuring to something that is bigger than yourself, because we need to be grounded in something particularly in this day and age where everything is changing so rapidly, that we don't feel like we have a firm foundation in anything then to put a pandemic on top of it and realize just how difficult it is to stay grounded. You need to have something permanent in your life. Was that a prayer meditation, something every day that you enter into that expands your ability to go beyond yourself, that doesn't have an ability to, to have an end to it. There is no end game. There is only an infinite game by which you in concert go deeper and deeper and deeper. For me, it is both prayer and meditation and once regretted, permanents, and realize that there's something beyond ourselves that has benevolent overseeing us. In a real way and caring for us in one way or another, then we can go to the second practice. And that is practicing discovery because you cannot practice that if you believe your world is sheer, chaos and disorder, practicing discovery by asking the questions every day, where's the giftedness. What does this make possible? What is the opportunity in this situation? How can it be better in the situation? And then once we actually enter into practicing discovery every day and asking these open-ended really good questions that change our entire mind and soul and heart, then we enter into the third practice daily, which is gratitude. And that is if you grounded in permanence, something powerfully bigger than yourself, and you're able to see the world of discovery. Has it been Evolent world, then you're truly grateful. You're now you're authentically grateful to now. We daily offer a series of gratitudes in our life. Become what we look at. We think about who we hang out with. So grateful people make us more grateful. I'm grateful. People make us less grateful and our ungrateful thoughts make us ungrateful and it prevents us from seeing the real, so we need to practice every day by practicing moments of gratitude and recalling vocally and with pen to paper, what we're grateful for. And finally, what I believe is the highest Colleen of all of humanity. We are meant to be discover. We're meant to be gift, to discover the gift in all situations, including ourselves that we're called to be a gift. Someone else. So we need to practice a fourth one generosity. This is the peak in the summit of these four practices. If we're granted permanence and we practice discovery and we're truly grateful, then really, truly grateful people desire to want to give. And they want to give without wanting to receive, because they are so full. I've been down this road and I've received from people who actually give, because they end up wanting something from me down the road. And it makes me feel well, really icky to say the least, and I can't stand it. I love the capacity to receive from someone who can authentically give, and I want to do the same as well, but we need to practice it every day. Every day, before you go to bed, I want you to think about one small act of generosity you can give to someone tomorrow. And tomorrow and tomorrow, but it has to be planned and intentional and it has to be something that's just not already doing in your life. It's got it, but it can be small. It can be paying for somebody's coffee behind you. It can be a small little letter to say, thank you. Or just a word of encouragement or a hug or spending a few extra moments with somebody who needs an ear, as simple as that, but needs to be intentional and not just, you just run into it. Practice it, we need to practice it. Permanence, discovery, gratitude and generosity. If you want some help with this, I actually have a template that I use every single day, every morning of my life. Now I should CA I should make the caveat. No, I don't do it every day. I strive to every day and there are days by which I just forget about it, or life gets crazy and I don't get to it and I can feel it when I don't do it. When I don't practice these things. I have a daily journal template that helps me. To keep this practice alive that I can reflect upon it. So if you want this journal to help, to practice a begin, to move your life in habitual way, from determination to discovery, which we all need and actually tastes the fulfillment and it's different kind of life, which is a very old life. Good of living the real.com/journal template, living the real.com and real is R E a L. I just had a, somebody asked me about, is it R E E L? And I go, that's funny. That's I didn't think about that. It's living the reels and reality living the real.com/journal. Template go snag that free template. I want to give it to you as you begin practicing right here right now, and cultivating a deeper sense of awareness of the discovery and the gifts that you're in your life. And if you're not ready for that right now, but yet you want to join me upcoming newsletter, which I give tips and tricks about how to live the most real life possible. Just go to living the real.com scroll down to the bottom and is joined. The upcoming newsletter would greatly appreciate that. I hope this is helpful if the least thing you do, I'll put a shout out to watch the Susanne Boyle video from 2009. And just that alone, I think will actually make your life begin to change and pivot and see the two worlds in a palpable way. And I bet. You're going to want the second world more than anything, because more than anything I want to see and be seen for who I am and my complexity of life, and then be received. And I want you to feel the same way and want the same, but we all have to start with ourselves by changing the way we live our life and make it contagious to other people. And then they'll want the same thing to have a wonderful week. I hope this week is one great week by what you do truly live the most real life. Possible take care and see you next week. Thank you for listening to this episode of living the real. If you want to check out more information, go to living the real.com and sign up for my newsletter. If you want to support this podcast, you do that at patrion.com/ltr as well as one-time payments at Venmo and PayPal in the show notes. See you all next episode. Take care. Bye-bye.